Moo!

Hear that weird whistling and crackling radio noise? That's the technicians trying to get Simon Heffer's Gaydar lined up.

What does it tell you about the Lib Dems that the only one of the potential leadership candidates who had anything like interesting and attractive policies has had to drop out because his colleagues refused to support him? Quite. Since Mark Oaten is some way to the Right of David Cameron, he might consider joining the Tory party, where he could join the queue to take over from Dave when the party becomes conservative again. Meanwhile, Lib Dem members face a choice between a 93-year-old retired sprinter, a sandal-wearing Leftist whose main public pronouncement so far is that he is not homosexual but is still awaiting the arrival of Miss Right, and a man of whom few in his own party have even heard. Nominations don't close until Wednesday, so all might not be lost. In the interests of sanity, won't somebody who might appeal to sensible voters come forward? David Laws, for example? Nick Clegg? If not, we'll soon be looking back wistfully to the golden age of cheerful Charlie.

Right, so we should vote for Mark "Rent Boy" Oaten because Simon Hughes is an agent of the Gay in our midst? After all, Hep (Replacement) Hef reckons dressing up in women's clothes ought to be illegal..

Oh, how we long for the time when the police would have arrested Mr Burns not for cruelty to gorillas, but just because he was a transvestite...

Was it ever actually illegal, or is he just advocating extrajudicial police harassment of people who he doesn't like? You wait, though, until he suggests something really weird and forgets how to speak English..

They now realise that it has effectively split up the United Kingdom, and called into question the legitimacy of the participation of Scottish MPs in the government of Britain. Mr Brown is terrified that if he becomes Prime Minister the English will resent him, coming as he does from this minority, separatist culture. I have news for him: they resent him already, and not particularly because of his intensely foreign Scottishness - picking their pockets for nine years to fund his welfarist, client state has much more to do with it. I do, however, agree with one thing he said. Everyone in England should buy a flagpole and put it up in their garden. And then they should buy a flag of St George to fly proudly from it.

A welfarist client state? A client state of where? He can't surely mean the United States, so I am going to guess he meant "clientelist". Which is a useful word, after all, but it doesn't mean "client state", which is a useful notion in its own right and ought to be defended. Tim Worstall would probably ask "Don't these people have editors?" at this moment, but Simon Heffer actually is an editor of the Torygraph, so..

And did we just hear Simon Heffer arguing that we should reject the Union Flag?

Further point. You can be arrested for telling a policeman his horse "is gay". Will the Bill bother Hef over his call for the extrajudicial punishment of transsexuals? Will he bollocks. Heffer omitted to be cheeky to a copper..