David Axe reports on various American officials moaning that the Dutch Army in Afghanistan is not sufficiently keen on burning the peasants' crops, specifically the poppy crop. Now, Dave is currently engaged in something like the Four Days' Fight of the Anglo-Dutch War, when the Royal Navy and Martin Tromp's fleets got locked into a week-long battle of attrition; slavering soldiers of Orange are scrambling all over his comments threads with cutlasses held between their teeth.
Clearly it's time to stab him in the back.
TYR can exclusively reveal that the Iraqi insurgency is being funded by the trade in a toxic, explosive, and highly addictive substance that is peddled on Britain's streets. Junkies, known as "petrol heads", are willing to spend almost anything to get their hands on their next "tank". It offers them a passing sense of boundless power and confidence - but the downsides include thousands of people a year being killed and injured, billions of tonnes of CO2 emissions, and our cities filled with toxic, stinking smoke. Millions of Britons are sending vast sums of money to foreign pushers - many of whom are in league with our enemies - enough money to make it a significant contribution to the trade deficit. Even as we speak, oil dealers are selling their wares only a few hundred yards from my keyboard.
So far, absolutely nothing has been done by the military authorities in Iraq to eradicate the fields from which "oil" is extracted, the transport networks used by traffickers to move it, or the vast laboratories which process crude "oil" into the highly refined, crack cocaine-like form in which it is found on the streets. Even Registan.net, part of the neo-con Pajamas Media network, thinks this is insane.
Indeed, there is evidence to suggest that Coalition commanders deliberately altered their dispositions in order to protect these systems. For example, Colonel Tim Collins described in his memoirs how the 1st Battalion, the Royal Irish Regiment, like the other units in the 16th Air Assault Brigade, were specifically tasked to guard an oilfield. Far from blowing it up, though, civilian engineers arrived to check that production would continue!
As in Afghanistan, it seems that the oil pushers are entrenching themselves in the Iraqi government - the notorious fraudster and suspected Iranian agent Ahmed Chalabi, for example, succeeded in having himself appointed Minister of Oil. There is clearly only one solution. We must use the remaining time before General Petraeus must report to Congress to create an Oil Identification and Fast Oil Eradication Force, OIF-OEF for short, which will have as its aim the destruction of all oil fields in Iraq.
The measures required are simple. Precision-guided munitions permit us to destroy highly-critical nodes in the oil trafficking network with confidence and very little risk. The locations are well-known. Specifically, the Baiji refinery and the Al-Fawr deepwater terminal are vital for all oil exports from Iraq. Our aircraft, or if necessary, combat engineers, could close these tonight, for good and all. Two F-15E strike packages, each of four aircraft carrying four 2,000lb laser-guided bombs apiece, might suffice. The risk of casualties is minimal.
It is well-known that countries with a substantial oil racket tend not to profit from it. The money extracted from foreign addicts is usually either creamed off by the sinister Mr Bigs of the trade, or else squandered by corrupt, ramshackle governments. Meanwhile, the costs are nationalised, through the so-called Dutch disease and the release of toxic by-products. It is even all too typical that the oil bosses keep control of the fields by getting the locals hooked on cut-price petrol. Without the false prosperity of oil-trafficking, Iraqis would be free to concentrate on other, more constructive forms of economic activity, such as poppy-growing, prostitution, and genocide.